A discovered extramarital affair of your partner is indeed devastating and knowing that you have been betrayed by the one you love will surely turn your world upside down.
Overcoming pain from marital infidelity is a long and tedious process but if both parties are willing to give the marriage another shot and believes that divorce is not the end of it all it is still possible for a happily ever after. Healing from infidelity requires both parties' cooperation. {relatedarticles}
If you are trying to make things work to keep the marriage together, you will have to accept the reality that this journey will not be an easy ride and will take more than the usual effort to put things together. Even the betrayed spouse should do conscious efforts to ignite the love and rebuild the trust again.
For the unfaithful partner, it will mean double effort to prove that you are sorry and commit that you will be honest a hundred percent this time around. It will be nice to lay all the facts of the affair so the other partner would also realize his/her shortcoming.
Next is to be sorry about it. Remorse is the key in mending anything broken. Admitting to the mistake is the only way your spouse could even consider taking you back. Change your lifestyle. Accept the new rules that will be stated by the betrayed spouse like no boy's night out or dinner dates with clients of the opposite sex again. Avoiding the scenes that led you to infidelity would be a good sign for your partner to start trusting you again.{relatedarticles}
On the other hand, the betrayed party also has steps to consider when healing from infidelity. First, you must clearly point out what must be done to regain your trust once again. Only you can decide what can mend your broken heart so it is best to make it clear. Choosing to forgive is probably the hardest step but it is necessary in order for both of you start over with clean slates. Lastly, spend time and avoid having to bring back the affair topic again. This way healing from infidelity might be faster for both of you.
Rebuilding a marriage is another leap for the both of you not only to restore your family but also for self-contentment and maturity
About The Author
Contact Tammy to find out more about How to Survive Infidelity and get your free 6 Steps to Surviving Infidelity Report; learn more in
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If you've been to a movie theater recently, you probably noticed that films about open, or "no strings," relationships are very hot right now. These flicks are usually typical romantic comedies in which two people who initially began an affair with no plans for commitment eventually - usually after many comically choreographed disasters and challenges - end up realizing that they are soul mates and live happily ever after.
While it's great that non-traditional relationships are getting attention in mainstream media, these depictions are not very close to reality. Your experience with an open relationship will depend on many factors, but it's smart to take these factors into consideration before making a decision about the kind of arrangement you ultimately choose. Before you hang an "OPEN" sign on your relationship, keep this in mind. {relatedarticles}
Dispelling Myths and Setting Boundaries
There are many common myths and misunderstandings when it comes to open relationships. It's best to get these cleared up before exploring this lifestyle further.
Myth 1: Open relationships are a recent trend. The reality is that people have been having mutually agreed-upon, non-monogamous relationships for thousands of years. The only difference is that contemporary attitudes about sex and relationships have made it easier for people to be honest about their arrangements.
Myth 2: People in open relationships have lots of sex with lots of people and take sexual risks. Not necessarily. For most couples, the reality of non-monogamy does not involve orgies every weekend. People in open relationships have jobs, families and other responsibilities like everyone else and aren't focused on finding sex partners all the time. The only difference is that if and when they do meet someone they are attracted to, they have the option of following the attraction without guilt. Interestingly, studies show that people in mutually agreed-upon, open relationships have lower rates of STDs than those who are simply cheating behind their spouses' backs.{relatedarticles}
Myth 3: There must be something wrong with your partner or the relationship if you want to open it up. Many couples who choose non-monogamy are satisfied with their partners and value their primary relationships. However, they may feel that humans feel sexually attracted to many people in a lifetime and sometimes may want to explore their desires.
Myth 4: Opening up a relationship dooms it to fail. Occasionally, couples who are unhappy but reluctant to end their relationship may sometimes try and "open up" the relationship in order to shop around for a new significant other from the comfort of their current arrangement. This is a symptom of an already troubled bond and a misuse of non-monogamy. Many couples have found that an open relationship works fine for them when practiced correctly. That's not to say it's easy; jealousy, insecurities and dishonestly can wreck an open relationship easily, which is why you should choose to embark on one only if you know the risks. It's very important to have a solid, healthy relationship between you and your partner before venturing into non-monogamy.
There are many types of non-monogamous relationships. Most dating relationships technically begin as open, when both people are still determining their compatibility. Some couples choose to keep their relationships casual longer than others. This can work as long as both people agree and one does not end up falling hard for the other and secretly wanting a commitment. This can (and often does) get tricky! In more established, committed couples, an open relationship is one in which there are two primary partners, and they have an agreement that allows each to have outside affairs, but share a commitment to remaining with their primary partner in a loving relationship.{relatedarticles}
There are other, alternative versions of open relationships that are more unconventional. For example, polyamory, in which the relationship involves 3 or more people in a loving, committed bond. This is much like the plural marriage found in some sects of Mormonism and other cultures around the world. In other kinds of arrangements, some couples choose to have their sexual adventures together, whether among friends or at swinging clubs. Scared yet? These alternative lifestyles are definitely not for everyone, and nobody should be pressured into sexual arrangements that go against their faith or morals. Ultimately, it's up to you. But whatever you choose, be sure to set ground rules.
Having ground rules is a must if you want your open relationship to be successful. Some couples may have rules limiting what sexual acts they choose to do with non-primary partners or have other ways of ensuring that the alternate lover does not usurp the primary's position. If you're the alternate sex partner in a non-monogamous relationship, understand that you have rights and that your position differs from that of being the "other woman" in a cheating situation. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and discuss your concerns if you feel you're not being respected.{relatedarticles}
Jealousy
One of the first objections raised by critics of open relationships is that it's impossible to share someone you love with another person. The jealousy would drive you crazy and eventually lead to the end of the partnership. It's not surprising that this is the first thing that comes to mind; jealousy is often seen as an expression of love and is celebrated and encouraged in popular media. The truth is that jealousy is not a sign of true love, nor is it a healthy, positive emotion. The 1960s counterculture preached sexual openness as the root of peace and social reform because it requires selflessness and logical thinking rather than possessiveness and raw, destructive emotion. In many ways they were correct.
While the flower children may have had a point, their ideals do not always translate easily to our modern relationships. Jealousy can be an extremely difficult emotion to overcome. It's rooted in fear of loss, insecurities and many other deep primal anxieties that are not easy to get rid of overnight. Ideally, people who are in successful open relationships usually are a) not very prone to jealousy and b) able to confront and deal with jealousy by talking extensively with their partners and setting boundaries so they feel more in control of the non-monogamous arrangement. Couples' therapy can be a valuable tool for helping overcome jealousy.
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Are you and your partner worried about money in these uncertain times? During any economic crisis, couples have to face tough financial decisions. This can lead to an increase in stress and aggravate problems that already exist in your marriage.
As you look back to when you first met, what attracted you to your partner - fierce independence, strong character, a decisive nature? Now, these very same qualities may be getting in the way of getting along. If you want to come to terms with your negative feelings, notice what has changed in your marriage.
And try to see your own part in what's going on. If there's a glimmer of hope and you want to stay together, accept the challenge of turning it around. Some of these ideas can help you get started: {relatedarticles}
1. Identify your emotions. As a first step, write down the feelings that now regularly surface. And record what's happening between you and your partner when you are sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated.
Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these may be constantly changing. Don't worry - this is normal. Understanding what you feel, and why, can be the first step toward improving your situation.
2. Stop focusing on the past. Identify the hot button issues that are standing in your way and make efforts to resolve them. If you initiate changes, that can be an encouraging sign to your partner. And the sooner you let go of the past, the quicker you can move forward to improve the goodwill in your relationship. It may not be easy to forgive, but it is a gift you can give to your partner and yourself.
3. Limit your arguments. If the situation between the two of you is tense, small annoyances can seem worse than before. When you argue, allowing bad feelings to fester only makes it harder. Don't turn your quarrel into something more or attach your reactions to another issue.
Agree that you will together explore the problems. And spend time learning about conflict resolution, direct communication and active listening skills. There's information available through relationship workshops, the Internet and the self help section in bookstores.{relatedarticles}
4. Begin a process of serious talking. Can't do it alone? If you really want to work out your differences, consider consulting with a marital therapist or joining a couples' support group. When you understand more about the other's needs and capabilities, you'll be clearer about compromises you have to make.
Then it will be up to both of you to decide whether you're willing to do the hard work. That may include efforts to change your current expectations, redefine what marriage means to you and create new goals for the relationship.
5. Support each other. Instead of focusing on the negatives or going your separate ways, spend time discussing what you want from one other. Think about what would demonstrate true emotional commitment to you. Prove that you are on each other's side by deciding to change your attitude and behavior.
in your marriage's emotional bank account. Create excitement, pleasure and fun together - then take advantage of the dividends.{relatedarticles}
You and your partner are individuals who each have a mind of your own. What you want may have changed since you first tied the knot. And the present economic meltdown probably adds to the pressures in your relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't make shifts that will relieve some of the stress. And you don't have to accept the possibility of divorce. By taking the first steps, you can help strengthen your partner's trust in you - and the future of your marriage.
© Her Mentor Center, 2011
About The Author
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. is a family relationship expert. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teens, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, I have solutions. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com to discover practical tips for dealing with parents growing older & children growing up and to learn about our ebook, "Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm." Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and complimentary ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned."
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