If you've been to a movie theater recently, you probably noticed that films about open, or "no strings," relationships are very hot right now. These flicks are usually typical romantic comedies in which two people who initially began an affair with no plans for commitment eventually - usually after many comically choreographed disasters and challenges - end up realizing that they are soul mates and live happily ever after.
While it's great that non-traditional relationships are getting attention in mainstream media, these depictions are not very close to reality. Your experience with an open relationship will depend on many factors, but it's smart to take these factors into consideration before making a decision about the kind of arrangement you ultimately choose. Before you hang an "OPEN" sign on your relationship, keep this in mind. {relatedarticles}
Dispelling Myths and Setting Boundaries
There are many common myths and misunderstandings when it comes to open relationships. It's best to get these cleared up before exploring this lifestyle further.
Myth 1: Open relationships are a recent trend. The reality is that people have been having mutually agreed-upon, non-monogamous relationships for thousands of years. The only difference is that contemporary attitudes about sex and relationships have made it easier for people to be honest about their arrangements.
Myth 2: People in open relationships have lots of sex with lots of people and take sexual risks. Not necessarily. For most couples, the reality of non-monogamy does not involve orgies every weekend. People in open relationships have jobs, families and other responsibilities like everyone else and aren't focused on finding sex partners all the time. The only difference is that if and when they do meet someone they are attracted to, they have the option of following the attraction without guilt. Interestingly, studies show that people in mutually agreed-upon, open relationships have lower rates of STDs than those who are simply cheating behind their spouses' backs.{relatedarticles}
Myth 3: There must be something wrong with your partner or the relationship if you want to open it up. Many couples who choose non-monogamy are satisfied with their partners and value their primary relationships. However, they may feel that humans feel sexually attracted to many people in a lifetime and sometimes may want to explore their desires.
Myth 4: Opening up a relationship dooms it to fail. Occasionally, couples who are unhappy but reluctant to end their relationship may sometimes try and "open up" the relationship in order to shop around for a new significant other from the comfort of their current arrangement. This is a symptom of an already troubled bond and a misuse of non-monogamy. Many couples have found that an open relationship works fine for them when practiced correctly. That's not to say it's easy; jealousy, insecurities and dishonestly can wreck an open relationship easily, which is why you should choose to embark on one only if you know the risks. It's very important to have a solid, healthy relationship between you and your partner before venturing into non-monogamy.
There are many types of non-monogamous relationships. Most dating relationships technically begin as open, when both people are still determining their compatibility. Some couples choose to keep their relationships casual longer than others. This can work as long as both people agree and one does not end up falling hard for the other and secretly wanting a commitment. This can (and often does) get tricky! In more established, committed couples, an open relationship is one in which there are two primary partners, and they have an agreement that allows each to have outside affairs, but share a commitment to remaining with their primary partner in a loving relationship.{relatedarticles}
There are other, alternative versions of open relationships that are more unconventional. For example, polyamory, in which the relationship involves 3 or more people in a loving, committed bond. This is much like the plural marriage found in some sects of Mormonism and other cultures around the world. In other kinds of arrangements, some couples choose to have their sexual adventures together, whether among friends or at swinging clubs. Scared yet? These alternative lifestyles are definitely not for everyone, and nobody should be pressured into sexual arrangements that go against their faith or morals. Ultimately, it's up to you. But whatever you choose, be sure to set ground rules.
Having ground rules is a must if you want your open relationship to be successful. Some couples may have rules limiting what sexual acts they choose to do with non-primary partners or have other ways of ensuring that the alternate lover does not usurp the primary's position. If you're the alternate sex partner in a non-monogamous relationship, understand that you have rights and that your position differs from that of being the "other woman" in a cheating situation. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and discuss your concerns if you feel you're not being respected.{relatedarticles}
Jealousy
One of the first objections raised by critics of open relationships is that it's impossible to share someone you love with another person. The jealousy would drive you crazy and eventually lead to the end of the partnership. It's not surprising that this is the first thing that comes to mind; jealousy is often seen as an expression of love and is celebrated and encouraged in popular media. The truth is that jealousy is not a sign of true love, nor is it a healthy, positive emotion. The 1960s counterculture preached sexual openness as the root of peace and social reform because it requires selflessness and logical thinking rather than possessiveness and raw, destructive emotion. In many ways they were correct.
While the flower children may have had a point, their ideals do not always translate easily to our modern relationships. Jealousy can be an extremely difficult emotion to overcome. It's rooted in fear of loss, insecurities and many other deep primal anxieties that are not easy to get rid of overnight. Ideally, people who are in successful open relationships usually are a) not very prone to jealousy and b) able to confront and deal with jealousy by talking extensively with their partners and setting boundaries so they feel more in control of the non-monogamous arrangement. Couples' therapy can be a valuable tool for helping overcome jealousy.
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Are you and your partner worried about money in these uncertain times? During any economic crisis, couples have to face tough financial decisions. This can lead to an increase in stress and aggravate problems that already exist in your marriage.
As you look back to when you first met, what attracted you to your partner - fierce independence, strong character, a decisive nature? Now, these very same qualities may be getting in the way of getting along. If you want to come to terms with your negative feelings, notice what has changed in your marriage.
And try to see your own part in what's going on. If there's a glimmer of hope and you want to stay together, accept the challenge of turning it around. Some of these ideas can help you get started: {relatedarticles}
1. Identify your emotions. As a first step, write down the feelings that now regularly surface. And record what's happening between you and your partner when you are sad, scared, overwhelmed, embarrassed or frustrated.
Chances are you have emotions ranging from disappointment to anger, and these may be constantly changing. Don't worry - this is normal. Understanding what you feel, and why, can be the first step toward improving your situation.
2. Stop focusing on the past. Identify the hot button issues that are standing in your way and make efforts to resolve them. If you initiate changes, that can be an encouraging sign to your partner. And the sooner you let go of the past, the quicker you can move forward to improve the goodwill in your relationship. It may not be easy to forgive, but it is a gift you can give to your partner and yourself.
3. Limit your arguments. If the situation between the two of you is tense, small annoyances can seem worse than before. When you argue, allowing bad feelings to fester only makes it harder. Don't turn your quarrel into something more or attach your reactions to another issue.
Agree that you will together explore the problems. And spend time learning about conflict resolution, direct communication and active listening skills. There's information available through relationship workshops, the Internet and the self help section in bookstores.{relatedarticles}
4. Begin a process of serious talking. Can't do it alone? If you really want to work out your differences, consider consulting with a marital therapist or joining a couples' support group. When you understand more about the other's needs and capabilities, you'll be clearer about compromises you have to make.
Then it will be up to both of you to decide whether you're willing to do the hard work. That may include efforts to change your current expectations, redefine what marriage means to you and create new goals for the relationship.
5. Support each other. Instead of focusing on the negatives or going your separate ways, spend time discussing what you want from one other. Think about what would demonstrate true emotional commitment to you. Prove that you are on each other's side by deciding to change your attitude and behavior.
in your marriage's emotional bank account. Create excitement, pleasure and fun together - then take advantage of the dividends.{relatedarticles}
You and your partner are individuals who each have a mind of your own. What you want may have changed since you first tied the knot. And the present economic meltdown probably adds to the pressures in your relationship. But that doesn't mean you can't make shifts that will relieve some of the stress. And you don't have to accept the possibility of divorce. By taking the first steps, you can help strengthen your partner's trust in you - and the future of your marriage.
© Her Mentor Center, 2011
About The Author
Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. is a family relationship expert. Whether you're coping with stress, acting out teens, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law, I have solutions. Visit our website, http://www.HerMentorCenter.com to discover practical tips for dealing with parents growing older & children growing up and to learn about our ebook, "Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm." Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com and sign up for our free newsletter, Stepping Stones, and complimentary ebook, "Courage and Lessons Learned."
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There are many types of setbacks that can occur in our lives and when an event makes a drastic impact in our partner's life we want to do everything we can to help them through this difficult time.
Setbacks in life can come in many forms:
- financial setbacks;
- career setbacks;
- health setbacks; and
- personal setbacks that can all cause emotional turmoil in our lives.
As a caring and concerned partner, you should be aware of the issues your loved one is going through and be prepared to help them however you can.
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Dealing with a Partner's Financial Setbacks
Whether you're in a relationship with shared assets or have your separate financial identities, a financial setback can impact both partners equally on paper and in person. Events like bankruptcy, business failure, and foreclosure are just a few types of financial setbacks that can distress your partner.
When finances become a burden in your relationship, it's important to understand your own connection to the problem. If your partner is worried about a joint financial issue such as an empty bank account you may need to sit down and talk with them about your mutual spending habits.
For cases where a financial setback is purely on the shoulders of your partner, you can always be there for them.
While you may not be a financial advisor, sometimes all your loved one needs is a sympathetic partner to listen to their concerns. You may also be able to direct them to other resources for professional help with their money problems.
Dealing with a Partner's Career Setbacks
Losing a job can be devastating on a person, especially if it puts them in immediate risk for a financial crisis as well. Job loss can lead to depression, anger, and sometimes even drastic cases of substance abuse and suicide. If unemployment becomes an issue for your partner you'll need to be supportive and sympathetic to avoid a worse case scenario.
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Get involved with your partner's job search. Help them locate job resources and prepare for interviews as they seek new work. Offer to discuss the details of their termination and see if they want to talk about why they think they lost their job. You may be able to help them identify work mistakes they can learn to fix or avoid in future careers.
Dealing with a Partner's Health Setbacks
Personal health can be a very emotional matter when a serious diagnosis is made in your loved one's condition. Serious afflictions such as cancer, terminal illnesses, and permanent disabilities can all impact your partner's physical and mental health.
If your partner is facing a troubling health condition you need to be as supportive as possible. Help them learn about their diagnosis and be involved with their medical team when treatments are discussed. In many cases, just being there with them at the doctor's office can provide great comfort.
You may need to make sacrifices yourself when helping a partner through a health setback, but it's important to keep a positive attitude toward your situation. When an ill patient is surrounded by positivity it's more difficult for them to give in to depression, anger and frustration.
Dealing with a Partner's Personal Setbacks
We undergo many endeavors to better our lives, but there are often setbacks in any kind of self-improvement goal. Some of the most common personal setbacks your partner may face come when they attempt to make a major lifestyle change such as quitting smoking or drinking or losing weight.
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If your partner is giving up drinking or smoking you should do as much as possible to help them avoid temptation. Consider stopping these habits yourself if you also partake in cigarettes or alcohol - this can help your special someone avoid relapsing. If he or she does resume the habit, be careful not to chastise, but rather remind that person of his or her goal and encourage a return to abstinence.
When your partner is focused on improving his health through a weight loss plan, you should support him all the way. This may mean taking up a diet or exercise plan yourself to show that you're willing to go through the process with him.
In the event of a setback in their weight loss plan, help them get right back on track and remind them of how much better they have been looking since they began the weight loss. Positive reinforcement is a great motivator!
General Tips for Helping Your Partner Deal with Any Setback
Setbacks in life are typically accompanied by feelings of depression, hopelessness, anger and frustration. As a loving companion, you want your partner to return to feeling happy and content as soon as possible, which means you need to be attentive to their emotional needs.
One of the key points in helping your partner through any type of setback is to listen. Let them express themselves to you about their fears, worries, and feelings. You may not have the answers, but you have the ability to just be there to listen and let them vent.
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Feelings of worthlessness can be helped by reminding your partner of how special they are to you. Even little things like a loving note on the bathroom mirror or a small gift waiting for them when they return home from work can be a reminder that you love and care for them no matter what.
While you have great power in helping your loved one cope with most setbacks, in some cases it may be necessary for you to bring in additional support.
Gathering friends and family can help remind your partner of all the good you have in your lives and also provide more people for them to turn to for their emotional needs. You should also be prepared to seek professional help for more serious matters when your partner's health or safety is at risk after a life setback.
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No matter what the situation, you are often the best person to help your partner through any sort of life setback. Don't shy away from this responsibility - with enough effort and patience you can work together to find a solution to nearly any problem.
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