Our founding fathers understood that freedom is an essential part of human happiness and their words can be taken as excellent dating advice.
While most of us value our freedom in everyday life, sometimes we can lose sight of it in the context of a romantic relationship. Excessive control is one of the most common relationship complaints -- and one of the top reasons cited for the demise of a romance.
When a woman first meets a man, she may not notice his domineering tendencies. Often, the watered-down version of his controlling traits is what she'll be exposed to first, and ironically, these can be pretty appealing in a man.{relatedarticles}
In many ways, he can come off as the "perfect" guy: protective, decisive and utterly devoted to her. However, in time, she may begin to notice behavior that crosses the line from chivalrous to downright domineering.
Of course, controlling behavior isn't always incurable; there are ways to address this issue if both partners are willing to confront it and take steps to deal with it. The first step is recognizing that a problem exists. The following is a quick checklist of signs that your guy might be controlling.
- He snoops. The FBI, the CIA -- they've got nothing on your man. He checks your email, your phone and your FaceBook page in order to keep close tabs on you. It's a sneaky game, and it can make you feel as though your privacy has been violated. It's always best to keep your passwords secure and to discuss privacy issues early.
- He isolates you. At first, it might mean he gets pouty whenever you feel like having a girls' night. Later, as the relationship gets more serious, he may try and draw you away from friends and family so he can have you all to himself. Learn to recognize disparaging comments about love ones and realize he might turning you against your significant others.
- He thinks he's the wardrobe police. This is surprisingly common. Many men feel that their female companions should dress in ways that make them (the men, that is) happy. Whether he wants you to dress down so other guys don't notice you, or wants you to dress up all the time so he can show you off, this type of controlling behavior can wear on your nerves and make you feel uncomfortable.{relatedarticles}
- He gives you no space. Being smothered is no fun; everyone needs room to breathe. No matter how much your guy says he loves you, it can be annoying and stressful to get excessive cell phone calls and texts throughout the day. Does his world revolve around only you and your relationship with him? Does he have few or no other strong friendships?
- He's extremely jealous. Jealousy is at the root of the control issue for most men. They act the way they do because of an overwhelming fear/anxiety that they will lose the women in their lives. To avoid the pain, they will try and control every aspect of the relationship.
- He makes unilateral decisions. It takes 2 to make a relationship, and the partners need to respect and consider each other's preferences. If your partner thinks he knows best all the time, it can lead to many uncomfortable exchanges and frustrating scenes.
Controlling Behavior: Why it Exists and What to Do About It
Sometimes, people just have dominant personalities and don't learn how to give in and share power with others. In other cases, fear and insecurity is at the root of a controlling nature. The latter can be especially difficult to address because insecurity and fear can wreak havoc on a relationship.{relatedarticles}
He will tell you that his emotional outburst is because his ex cheated on him with half the guys in town/spent all his money/was mean to him/insert bad behavior here. Whether this is true or not, it doesn't mean he can use it as an excuse or that you should use it as an excuse for him.
As long as you're looking at your significant other in a realistic light, take the time to look at yourself in the same way. Is there anything you do that enables his controlling behavior?
Many relationships in which excessive control is an issue are actually mutually controlling. People with similar psychological traits often gravitate to one another. Take a look at your own behavior and ask yourself whether you may also be letting insecurities and fears take over your relationship.
Or on the flip side, if you sit back and let him take the reins in most matters just to avoid having to deal with things yourself, he will feel that you're OK with him being in the driver's seat all the time.{relatedarticles}
There are ways to handle a controlling partner, but it's rarely an easy undertaking. If your relationship is far enough along that you're committed to each other and the controlling person admits to the problem, you can set some goals and limits together.
For example, discuss how you'd like more autonomy in decision-making and set a schedule to take turns deciding what activities you'll do as a couple.
For insecure/jealous partners, you may need to set some strong boundary lines when it comes to personal space. If you don't, the behavior will continue unchecked. Unfortunately, your demand for increased privacy will probably just reinforce his fear that you are indeed seeking outside relationships.
In many cases, these issues respond better to couples' therapy. A therapist can help you both work through the problems and can give you a course of therapy designed specifically for the 2 of you.
When to Leave
If the relationship is in its early stages and you're not in too deep, your best course of action might simply be to end it. You can talk with him first and see if things improve, but be realistic. You won't do yourself or your man any favors by allowing things to progress when you can already see the warning signs of failure.{relatedarticles}
Leaving a controlling partner is even more difficult when you've been together long enough to share bank accounts and children, so bailing early sometimes can be the smartest course of action.
Abuse is the most important reason to leave a controlling partner. Not all controlling men are violent, but excessive, one-sided control is a prominent feature in the clinical description of an abusive relationship. If your partner shows signs of violence toward you, and that includes frequent vicious verbal attacks, you need to seek help and leave the relationship for the sake of your own safety.
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Pornography is a topic that often inspires heated discussions. So many people have an opinion about it. Some think of it as a way to get in the mood for a sexual romp with their partner, while others simply dismiss it as smut.
But the one thing that pretty much everyone agrees on is that porn is an industry dominated by and made for men. But what about a woman's cravings? Does female-friendly adult fare even exist?
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The answer is actually quite complicated. That's because women are aroused differently than men. Female desire is complex. Physiological and subjective forces are at work, sometimes even in opposition to each other. Emotional closeness can also stimulate sexual attraction, which adds a new layer to finding porn that satisfies a woman's carnal needs.
But even though the majority of porn is geared to the sexual urges of men, there are a growing number of women who want to watch this kind of entertainment.
In fact, Nielsen/NetRatings reveals that one out of every three porn watchers on the Internet is female. Despite the scarce amount of pornography that's available to satisfy a woman's sexual desires, there is an audience just waiting to be pleased.
Porn Made for Women, by Women
A new era of porn is making its way into the online market and beyond. It features a young man named James Deen, who is making women swoon all over the world. This porn star, who has already appeared in a string of popular adult films, is not your typical X-rated movie king.
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For one thing, he has a geeky, boy-next-door appearance that you don't often find in pornography. But he's appealing to a female audience that's drawn to his normal good looks and down-home charm.
Deen's undeniable fan base shows that even though female sexuality is hard to pinpoint, there is a definite attraction to his nice-guy persona and the apparent emotional connection he shows on screen.
It could be argued that the lack of porn stars more akin to Deen reveals a disconnect between the male honchos who control porn and the women who want erotic stories geared to them. These powerful porn makers seem to think women are turned on by big, beefy guys, when they are really more aroused by a more understated male presence in adult movies.
Pamela Peaks, the producer who discovered Deen and made him into a household name in the porn world, touched on a gold mine. Her female-friendly films have given women sexual entertainment that isn't common in this male-dominated industry.
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Thanks in part to Peaks, now more than ever, there is a new wave of feminist erotica that gives porn a whole other twist. The old clichés of porn are being cast aside for a fresh vision of sex in more artistic portrayals that cater to a female perspective.
Erotica for Women
In general, women find the less-is-more line of thinking more stimulating than a heavy-handed, often hardcore approach when it comes to sexual arousal. Although female sexuality still has its mysterious side, graphic scenes of men having no-holds-barred sexual intercourse with women might not be as gratifying to watch as the suggestion of this inevitable encounter.
So sexy stories, erotic poetry and provocative music may be just the trick to make women feel that delicious, sexual excitement.
However, because women are turned on in a multitude of ways, an understated approach to arousal might not be enough for some individuals. Luckily, there are a number of Web sites that cater to female desires, which you may not have ever heard of until now.
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BeautifulAgony.com is one such site that could get you in the mood without showing a single naked body part. The idea behind it is to show people from the neck up who are masturbating themselves to the ultimate orgasm. These are videos of real men and women from around the world, all shot in the same way.
IShotMyself.com takes female-friendly fare to a whole other place. It's basically a forum for women to post anonymous, nude photos of themselves. No matter what their reason for sharing, the site provides a wide variety of women of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities and ages.
If you're looking for photographs that are more erotic in a movie-like style, then LeChagrin may be the site for you. It's photos with a classy feel that just might make you feel that tingle of sexual interest yourself.
Babeland.com also offers some erotic resources you can check out anytime. Not only does it have an intriguing guide to direct interested women to good porn, but it also provides its own sex products.
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Every Woman Is Different
The most fascinating aspect of female sexuality is that there is no one size fits all. Every woman has different sexual desires, which means that not all styles of porn will elicit the same reaction.
Some women are turned on by passionate kissing or gay sex or an emotional sexcapade with a wholesome-looking guy who could live next door. It all depends on the woman and what kind of sexual portrayal sets off her hot buttons. A woman's arousal is highly subjective. It's rare that it fits into the generic mold that's peddled for the overall consumer in the mainstream market.
The fact that female-friendly adult fare can't fit into a nice, neat category is both an attractive challenge and extremely frustrating at the same time. However, its diversity means there's a great potential to make and sell a wide variety of female-driven porn throughout the world.
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This is a virtually untapped reservoir that could translate into millions, even billions, of dollars while also giving women a sexual outlet that may just lead to an ecstasy that's never been experienced before.
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There's nothing like a night of chick-flicks with your girlfriends but watching movies with your man can be a completely different story. Instead of suffering through another slasher or action film, try these picks that will put you both in a romantic mood and can satisfy your need for sap and his need for masculinity.
High Fidelity - After John Cusak's character is dumped, he spends the rest of the movie contacting his ex-girlfriends to figure out where he's gone wrong. From the awkward to the hilarious and tragic, they all bring him back to where he belongs. Aside from a sweet and engaging story line the soundtrack has something for everyone and is one of the first big-screen appearances of Jack Black, and what guy doesn't love him?
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The 40-Year-Old Virgin - While this may come to mind as a comedy at first, there is an underlying love story that shows the beauty of innocence and new love. Any male will love this movie as it's stocked with the usual sex jokes and unrefined humor of Judd Apatow movies, but there is enough of a romantic storyline to keep you interested - even if you snort-laugh along the way.
Groundhog Day - The Bill Murray classic is a funny and heartfelt take on the rom-com with an interesting storyline that hasn't been replicated. You'll be quoting Murray's witty quips for days after this one.
The Princess Bride - A cult classic that should belong in anyone's movie collection. This eccentric medieval fantasy flick is a lighthearted and heroic love adventure that both guys and girls will love and have fun remembering the times they've watched it growing up.
Forrest Gump - Along with being a story of romance, this epic spans action, comedy, and drama; however, the heart of the story lies in Forrest's undying love for his Jenny, which will make you tear up and believe in the earnest power of love all over again.{relatedarticles}
Bridget Jones's Diary - A refreshing take on the female role in the romantic comedy. Bridget Jones smokes, drinks, and curses, which is sure to appeal to your man, and every girl melts when Colin Firth's Mark Darcy utters the line "I like you just as you are."
Just Friends - A classic tale of reunited childhood sweethearts with a comedic twist. Everyone can relate to coming home for holidays and running into exes, but this one capitalizes on the humor of the situation while giving you hope that your unrequited love may still have a chance.
Titanic - Whether or not your guy digs the story of star-crossed lovers, Jack and Rose, he'll certainly appreciate the magnificent sweeping shots of the ship and when Kate Winslet infamously poses for her portrait.
Pretty Woman - The prostitute with a heart of gold, Julia Roberts, seduces businessman Richard Gere in an unlikely Cinderella story. Part comedy, part passion with classic 80s styling - this is one you'll both enjoy.
Legends of the Fall - Get your tissues out for this tearjerker. Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins carry this tragic story about not only love but family in a time of war.{relatedarticles}
Pearl Harbor - This has war scenes and planes for him and a love story and hunky dudes for you. If your dude is a history buff, he'll also enjoy the movie's historically accurate take on the events that led up to Pearl Harbor.
Love Actually - This British rom-com will keep your attention with an ever-changing and intertwined storyline that's both humorous and heartfelt. It can also double as a holiday movie to watch while you get cozy by the Christmas tree.
50 First Dates - Most guys love Adam Sandler and this movie can indulge their taste for boyish and silly humor while pleasing you with a cute but campy tale of a loveable Drew Barrymore.
Hitch - Will Smith and Kevin James' hilarious adventure in learning to be a ladies man provides side-splitting moments along with sentimental ones.
He's Just Not That Into You - Based on a book written for women by a man - how could your guy not love it? This comedic and realistic advice movie is sure to be a winner for movie night.
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When Harry Met Sally - An 80s classic that takes on the questions "Can a man and woman ever be just friends?" You'll be on the edge of your seat waiting the whole movie when the "will they or won't they?" tension finally comes to an end. The adorable love stories in-between scenes are sure to steal your heart as well.
Shakespeare in Love - A smoldering and passionate story with an all-star cast of Gwyneth Paltrow, Judi Dench, and Ben Affleck, this classic tale of love, loss, and tragedy will not disappoint.
Something's Gotta Give - Your guy will love a classic, cool, and crazy Jack Nicholson while the ladies will swoon over the always romantic and endearing, Diane Keaton.
Never Been Kissed - Enjoy the awkwardness and pain of reliving high school crushes and prom all-over again with another winning Drew Barrymore feature.
The Wedding Singer - Another Sandler and Barrymore team-up that's as funny as it is sweet and you'll be dancing in your seat with the great and upbeat 80s soundtrack.
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Atonement - This book adaption is a beautiful but tragic film about an ill-fated relationship during the pre-WWI era. You'll be left wanting more from this sad but soulful encounter acted out wonderfully by James McAvoy and Keira Knightley.
Romeo and Juliet - This updated and modern version starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes keeps with the heartfelt sentiment of the original play but switches things up with a fast-paced, colorful rendition complete with a contemporary soundtrack.
10 Things I Hate About You - The late Heath Ledger stars in this romantic comedy based on the The Taming of the Shrew. This coming of age love story is also bursting with one-liners and silly moments.
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