Michael Lohan: A Major Pain

A celebrity boxing match supposedly left Michael Lohan fighting for his life... before he ever stepped into the ring. America's most loathed media whore tells Radaronline.com that he suffered a "near stroke" on Saturday, whatever that may be. Lindsay's papa revealed to the online tabloid that he suffered a medical mishap -- and it just wouldn't be Lohan if there wasn't photo evidence to prove it. Radaronline ran the picture showing Lohan in the back of an ambulance with his galpal, fellow loser Kate Major. According to Lohan, he was supposed to fight Todd Poulton in the Celebrity Boxing Federation, but he failed the pre-bout physical. Major says, "He had chest pains all day and pains down his left arm." His blood pressure also came in at 170/124. Major, who's apparently moonlighting as a medical expert, believes that her sugarless daddy has a blood clot and might need a stent. With advice from people like Major, who needs doctors? Don't be too concerned about the deadbeat dad; he says that he's okay after his near-stroke experience, "I'm okay so far but they said I need tests and a procedure." The good news is that it's difficult to have heart problems when you don't have a heart. And judging by Lohan's ever-repulsive behavior, it's highly possible.