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Are You Having An Emotional Affair? Find Out
Cheating emotional affairs love platonic friendships relationship issues relationships romance women
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When most of us think about an affair, we picture a secret rendezvous and physical betrayal. However, it is possible to have an affair without ever meeting someone or even being intimate with him or her.
This is known as the emotional affair, and it can be just as devastating to a relationship as a sexual affair. Because an emotional affair often can happen from afar and without any physical contact, the transgressor may feel that he or she has done nothing wrong. That denial can keep the offender from feeling guilt and passing the relationship off as a friendship.
Statistics show that women have higher numbers of emotional affairs, while men seem to rank higher in instances of sexual infidelity. So how do you know if you're having an emotional affair?
Let's start by defining what this type of relationship issue is. An emotional affair can start innocently enough and morph into something more serious. When a person in a committed relationship begins to invest their emotional energy outside of their partnership into another person, including moral support and companionship, he or she can be said to be involved in an emotional affair.
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1) We should prioritize a single emotional / physical relationship.
2) To develop another relationship that threatens or upsets this main relationship is inherently bad.
3) Physically or emotionally intimate relationships are zero-sum entities -- the importance we give to one relationship automatically diminishes any other relationship, and the development of a new relationship cannot improve or enrich our existing relationships.
Implicit in this set of a*sumptions is the notion that loyalty to one's primary / habitual partner must take full precedence over such things as personal fulfilment and happiness, opportunities for self-development, sexual compatibility, the abandonment of an oppressive living situation etc., and that it is therefore impossible to strike a workable balance with other intimate relationships. Indeed, the very term 'emotional affair' is itself a value-loaded expression, not a neutral descriptor.
My view is that there is no fixed set of a*sumptions about intimate relationships that works equally well for everybody. No two individuals will rank the issues or activities that are important to them in the same order, or with the same intensity of feeling. It is up to each of us individually to periodically renegotiate them with the people who are important in our lives. This applies even when we have caring responsibilities for others, such as children or dependent invalids: in such cases we may have to make greater compromises in our personal or romantic relationships than otherwise, but I think it is unreasonable to insist that we owe an unquestioning loyalty to a partner who is failing to meet some important needs.
The emergence of what the unnamed author of this article calls an 'emotional affair' is a clear indication that not everything is satisfactory in a person's habitual primary relationship, especially if it cannot be openly acknowledged. It is an unfortunate but sometimes unavoidable fact that a partner who seemed to answer all our needs when we were 25 will not do so at 45, either because they have changed, we have changed, or both. In this situation, one of the most salient questions for both parties to examine is the nature and extent of the shortfall.
Taking effective remedial action will involve trying to be honest both with oneself and the other individuals involved, and trying as hard as possible to be both clear-thinking and fair-minded regarding the best course to take.
The process may be difficult and painful, and it may sometimes involve the end of a long-lasting relationship; but if the alternative is remaining in a one-sided or loveless marriage, for instance, the price will probably be worth paying.